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Hi to the readers and followers of AlopecianGirlboss!
I’m a good friend of Anne’s and, much like her, I also have alopecia. She was kind enough to lend me her platform in order to share my story about my alopecia and its links to my mental health. As it is mental health awareness week, I wanted to talk about my own experiences, as well as things that I found help etc, as I know how difficult alopecia can be.
My Alopecia
When I was nine, I noticed that my hair had started to fall out, leaving me with big patches around my head which continued to spread. This quickly developed, leaving me completely bald and subsequently resulting in a brutal death to any self-confidence I possessed. I've always been shy, but this was pushed to an entirely new level after I lost my hair. I quickly became paranoid with about what everybody was thinking of me, believing that people would judge and automatically dislike me. This caused me to entirely retreat. I refused to talk to people in my year, I would hardly look anybody in the eye, in fear that they would see through my facade and know my secret of being bald.
In the first few months, I cried most nights, leaving my parents concerned about my wellbeing. They assumed it was just initial sadness, and neither I nor them were aware that this could develop into the fully-fledged depression that affects me to this day. I was put into counselling from the age of nine but I found that this didn’t do very much for me - I still struggled with my body image and my depression.
Deadlines
I had always believed my alopecia was temporary, that it would grow back - as I couldn't imagine a future without my hair. I didn't think my life could remain so difficult and so abnormal for the rest of my life. This led to me setting myself 'deadlines', which, in hindsight, was incredibly dangerous. I had believed my hair would grow back by the time I went to high school, yet the time came, and yet my hair still did not grow. The sixth form was my next deadline, which I once again, did not meet. The danger of my deadlines was not blatantly apparent to me until my university deadline. As time progressed, my anxiety started to grow - I really didn't think I'd reach it and, honestly, I had no idea what that would entail. How would I live with strangers? Would I have to put on makeup to leave my room? Why couldn't my hair grow back and give me a new start, one where I can choose my identity and finally feel happy in my own skin?
These deadlines were meant to bring hope to the young girl that was self-conscious and worried about her future - they were set due to the certainty that this girl held that they would easily be fulfilled.
However, they ended up being incredibly toxic and even now, I'm still attempting to overcome this mindset that I need my hair for certain parts of my life, overcoming my need for deadlines.
Cycles
Another element of alopecia that I wasn't aware of was the cycles. My hair would grow back, my eyebrows and eyelashes fully-grown, only to fall out again within a matter of months or years. This left me uncertain about everything, scared to get my hopes up; the higher the hopes, the bigger the fall. After my eyebrows and eyelashes fell out the most recent time - the summer of 2019, my mood plummeted, allowing my depression to entirely overwhelm me.
Affect
While the disease is not terminal and has no physical effects on my health, it is not unaccompanied by other ailments. People assume that we are all healthy and fine, because "it's just hair", but they don't see the mental strain it puts on someone; the constant feeling of being ugly and substandard. I acknowledge that I am healthy, well off, and privileged in many other regards - but there is no denying that this condition has ruined so many elements of my life. Many could perceive this as an exaggeration, a hyperbole of a situation to elicit sympathy, yet I can guarantee it's not. When I look over photographs from me and my siblings or my friends or my family - I stand out like a sore thumb. My fake looking wigs, badly styled, accompanying my poorly drawn on eyebrows. I cannot share any of my memories with anybody, I'm too embarrassed and I'm convinced that these photos are pure evidence of my condition - a condition that I wanted to remain a secret for as long as possible.
One of the key things I struggled with was the lack of certainty in myself. I never felt like me. I felt, for years, that my wig is a facade - a mask I show to everybody else, yet is a false representation of who I actually am. I don't really look like me. I don't recognise myself without my wig and my makeup - I can't stand, even now, looking in the mirror without it all. The face looking back at me is not a familiar one, one I do not deem to be me. I struggle with my identity and what I actually look like.
Summer 2019 - The Turning Point
Everything all culminated for me in the summer of 2019, when I had overdosed in attempts to end my life. Am I proud of it? Not at all. Am I ever going to try again? No.
It was such a desperate attempt to get rid of the heavy weight that followed me around all the time, keeping me in bed and weighing me down. Depression, for me, was feeling like there was a weight on me, constantly reminding me that I wasn’t enough, and that I never could be unless I had my hair. I couldn’t comprehend the fact that I may not ever get my hair back and after my eyebrows/ eyelashes had fallen out again, I was so lost.
My boyfriend, of almost two years, had dumped me, I’m sure for normal reasons, however I had it so engrained in my mind that this was because he thought I was ugly. Because I lost my eyebrows. Because he could find a ‘normal’ girl. These thoughts weighed me down.
The toxic mindset of the deadlines weighed me down.
The lack of a support system weighed me down.
My confusion regarding my identity weighed me down.
Mixed with other reasons, I felt like I had no other option, and that there was no plausible way for me to progress in my life as long as this illness was with me.
Things Change
I was so wrong. In a year, I’ve been able to turn my mindset almost fully around. I found a new boyfriend who loves me for me. I’ve made some incredible friends who quickly became my new support system. Even though I’m still struggling with the concepts of my deadlines, I’m coming to terms with the potential permanence of my condition.
I’m not writing this blogpost in order to elicit sympathy, but I want to draw attention to the fact that whilst alopecia doesn’t have any physical health problems, the toll it can have on one’s mental health is astronomical. I also want people to take away from this that things do get better. I’ve had my alopecia for almost ten years and am only really starting to feel confident and comfortable. The thought of telling people about my condition would have been laughable a couple of years ago, but I went to university and told my flatmates within the first week of meeting them.
Things get better.
There’s always a light at the end of the tunnel, even if you can’t see it yet. You will.
Mental health is so important to take care of, here are some amazing ways that help me deal with my depression and anxiety, especially regarding my alopecia:
Rationale tables
Write down in one column why you’re sad, and then in the next column, write the rational response to it
Write down what makes you happy
Keep a journal about your dark days and your bad thoughts. This helps you to vent and to get things off your mind.
Also write about the good things in your life. It will help you recognise that there are good people and fun things in life. It’s also nice to read back on positive memories.
Read the book ‘Reasons to Stay Alive’ - Matt Haig. It’s incredible and has helped me so much.
Talk to someone
Look into therapy if you think that will help - it’s helped me
Talk to your friends or your family if you’re comfortable
If not, call a helpline. The Samaritans etc ( will link some below )
Reward your small victories
I like to write lists of things I’ve done that day to help me feel like I’ve achieved something
It can be super small things, like ‘had a shower’, or ‘talked to my friends’, ‘ate lunch’ etc
This can help you feel a sense of accomplishment over the smallest things
Be kind to yourself
Don’t push yourself too hard, if you can’t do anything in a day, don’t worry about it. You always have a tomorrow.
People don’t think about you and your flaws in the way you do
- Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/alopeciangirlboss/
- E-mail me for questions at alopeciangirlboss@gmail.com
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