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Dating always has been a difficult thing for me, weird to say, as I'm only 17 yet. However, what I've noticed is that having alopecia makes it even more difficult.
"Even when someone supported me and said they did not mind that I am bald, I still felt uncomfortable"
To be honest, I am quite confident and I like the way I look bald, however I am always afraid of what others think about it. It is really hard to realise that I'm less "likeable" in the eyes of boys my age, than girls with hair. Weird isn't it? I mean, I think the inside counts. For example, I just want someone I am able to be myself with and with whom I can have good conversations. How can you date someone just for looks? I don't get it haha. Also, if someone doesn't like you, just because you don't have any/have less hair, then he or she is not the right one anyway.
A while ago, I shared a post on the alopecia association's Instagram, which is in Dutch, and I think it is important to share it here as well. It's something I've struggled with, since the beginning of my alopecia journey.
As I said, I am comfortable with being bald, however there is just one situation where I am not, the dating department. In the (almost) three years that I've been bald, lots of my friends got boyfriends, or at least someone would show interest in them. At parties, boys would approach them, but not me. Because of this, I am constantly reminded that I’m the odd man out, just because I don’t wear my wig/have hair. As I mentioned, I am not desperately looking for a relationship, but it takes a toll on me to always be reminded that I don't look like other girls. Even though I love being unique, it still sucks. I just don't have the feeling that I can be who I am, with and without hair.
Okay, let me tell you a story. Some time last year, I really liked this boy. I never was afraid to be myself with him and I felt comfortable. But when I met with him at his house, with a few other friends, I started doubting myself, like A LOT. I was wearing my wig at that time. Just so you know, he had known me with my "normal" hair, with my 50% left over hair and me being completely bald and not once had he made a problem of that. However, I did not trust his behaviour. I wore my wig, but felt "too pretty", I thought, I am not this pretty without my wig on. So I took it off, to show him "the real me", but it made me uncomfortable as well. The whole night I put my wig on and took it off again, it just felt weird, I did not know what to do, which version of myself to show him. I mean, that was not my finest moment haha.
A classmate once said; "you know if you would have had hair, all the boys from school would have thought differently about you, quite sad if you look at it that way". He is right, it is sad. It is ridiculous that being bald is "not beautiful enough", because you know what? I do think bald is beautiful. I don't know who even decided in the first place that it isn't.
I felt like, I had lost my identity, like I could not feel normal and dating only increases this feeling. However, I know that there are people out there, that can make me feel normal, just the way I am, which is bald and with my wig. I'm going to say it again, but I actually like what I see in the mirror, not always of course, but most of the time and I hate to have the feeling that I should hide behind my wig and that I have the feeling that I am not beautiful enough without it, in order to be liked/loved by someone else, which is absolutely ridiculous. Even when someone supported me and said they did not mind that I am bald, I still felt uncomfortable. The truth is, when I got alopecia, I found my true identity, I came to realise who I am inside, rather than the outside.
The feeling of not being beautiful enough without hair for someone else is horrible and I will be working on not feeling like that anymore. Because it is so weird, that when I see myself in the mirror I don't mind it, but when I look from someone elses perspective, I do mind it?
I have not had a boyfriend since I went completely bald, but there have been a few people that were interested in me, not minding the fact that I don't have hair. So, as you can see, people will look beyond the fact that you're bald and will find you beautiful with hair as you are without it.
The most important thing for me, is that someone likes me for me. For my interests, my opinions, my goals, not for my looks. I know it is difficult, but know, whoever you are that is reading this, that you are beautiful, on the outside but most importantly on the inside and that there is someone who will not mind that you don't have (all of your) hair and that hair loss cannot control your life like that. Because you are YOU and not your hair loss.
Thank you for reading xx
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