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Happy international alopecia day loves! Today is a day to celebrate our hair loss, to be proud of how far we have become and to look forward to whom we are becoming; the best version of ourselves. Be bald and be proud!
As it is international alopecia day today, I thought it would be fun to write down my alopecia story. Please share this blogpost when you can to raise alopecia awareness. So, without further ado; let’s get to the story.
Alopecia is a common autoimmune disorder that often results in unpredictable hair loss. Any gender or age can get alopecia.
From the moment I was born, I had a lot of hair. My thick hair has always been a part of me. Everyone always noticed my hair. In my “friends book” (; a book in which your friends would write down their favourite colour, their dream job, what they like about you etc. when you were younger) my hair was always mentioned. It was always me and my hair, like peas and carrots. My hair was incredibly beautiful if I can say so myself. So, you can imagine that losing my hair was incredibly hard for me and I definitely did not see it coming.
I had always been insecure; insecure about my body, insecure about my skills, pretty much insecure about everything. I was bullied a lot in primary school, which left me a bit “damaged” if I can say it like that. I don’t think people realise what kind of an impact bulling actually has.
When going to secondary school I was extremely uncomfortable with my body. I also had performance anxiety; as many kids told me I was unable to do things, that I was not smart enough. When going to the third year of secondary school (; Dutch schools work differently, for my level of education, there are 4 years of secondary school) something changed. I did not want to be that insecure girl anymore, I did not want to be left out, I wanted to fit in. That all started with wearing more make-up (and being scared to go out without), with changing my clothes and even changing my behaviour (not for the best haha). I thought I was so confident; when in reality the insecure girl was still there.
Now I know…I promised you my alopecia story, so here is where the alopecia came in.
I think my alopecia is caused by stress, stress I have from personal issues and stress from what I have mentioned above. As apparently alopecia runs in my family, I think it was always with me, but triggered due to all the things that happened and that my body had enough.
It was my dad whom discovered my first bald patch. In the beginning I thought he made a joke, I mean, a 14-year-old losing her hair? That can’t be possible. Jokes on me as it was indeed possible. We went to the doctor who said; just wait a few weeks, it will probably grow back, as it does by most people. Well, as we all know I am still bald, so that was not true ;).
I went to the dermatologist and started my steroid injections. I was not taken seriously by my dermatologist, which made it even harder. When I told her I was getting bald above my ear she literally said “You look too much on the internet, most people with alopecia do that”. Well, sorry to tell you doctor, but two weeks later there was a huge bald spot where I told you I was getting bald. So, I switched to another dermatologist. When going there after a few more treatments, she told me there was nothing to do anymore, a lost cause basically. There was a moment where my hair grew a bit back. But at the end of the day, more hair fell out. I felt like taking two steps back instead of one step forward. I went to some other organisations for treatment, but at one point it was just enough. It was time for me to stop trying to fix it and start on accepting the fact I was getting bald at 14 years old. No more Anne and her hair, from that point on; it was just Anne.
Accepting my hair loss was hard. You remember from the beginning of the story, that I was trying to fit in? It made me feel like I could not fit in anymore and my world just kind of crashed down. Yes, there were sleepless nights, there were days I would just spend crying and days where I just wanted to rip out my hair and be done with it.
From the moment I was diagnosed; I shared it with close friends, as the burden was better divided over more people than just me. These friends helped me take the clumps of hair off my back, helped me by telling me a bald spot was showing, helping me by going to doctors appointments and helped me; just by being there.
I was busy getting steroid injections; however, my hair still fell out; a lot. I wanted to tell my classmates about it, but I never knew when it was the right time to do so. Until the opportunity arose; in class we had to talk about a subject relating to suffering. I felt like my alopecia was something I suffered from; mentally and physically (steroid injections hurt just so you know). So, I almost chickened out, but I stood up, walked to the front of the class and started to type in “alopecia” on Google. “Uhm.. yea..uhm alopecia causes hair loss and uhmm I have alopecia uhmm meaning I am losing my hair and uhmm I am also been getting steroid injections for a few months now to uhmm try and fix it but uhmm it is not really working” I said with shaking hands. I was so glad to have said it. Then, of course, my teacher started asking questions I had no idea about. “So, how many people have it”. I never even heard of alopecia before so no chance I knew that. Anyway, I did not get much of a responds, I even think most people already forgot when walking out of class. However, it was nice to open up for once.
As the months passed, my hair loss got worse and trust me there were a lot of ups and downs. I did not know what to do. As mentioned earlier, me and my hair were like peas and carrots. Two things that could not and should not be separated, however they were. Hair was in my hands, in the shower drain, on the floor, between my books, in my bed, IT WAS EVERYWHERE. Every single day I was reminded that I was changing, a change I at first thought was for the worst.
Thoughts ran through my head at night;
· Will someone ever be able to love me even if I am bald?
· What will become of me?
· What will people think of me?
And the list goes on and on.
I cried a lot. I remember having so little hair and it was all tangled up, I could not separate it, all the hair was coming out in clumps. I remember freaking out, running to the bathroom, crying my eyes out and desperately trying to fix something that could not be fixed. I was constantly worried someone saw my hair loss, I was wearing caps and hair bands. But I knew people noticed, I mean I had such thick hair at first, how could they not. I could not concentrate on school anymore and I was in the fourth year; meaning I had my final exams. I had ENOUGH and with enough I really mean enough.
Enough with trying to fit in, enough with trying to change myself and enough with letting my hair loss control my life.
I decided to take small steps; taking my hat of for a few minutes so my classmates would see it, but not too long. Talking more openly about it and eventually to go to school without my hat or anything else..,just me and my bald spots. Let me tell you ladies and gentlemen it was difficult. After trying so hard to fit in, I just showed everyone how different I was. But let me also tell you how awesome it felt. The start of my self-acceptance. Weeks followed, my first wig was made, I could lend a wig, I shaved my head (making me feel even more confident) and a new Anne was born. Someone who was not afraid to be herself, like she was when she still had hair. Alopecia changed me for the better. I was not afraid to be myself anymore, because being yourself is the best version of yourself that you can be. So, not a change for the worst after all.
I focussed on who I am on the inside and how I am towards others, as that is what is most important. I stopped letting the performance anxiety get in the way of everything (though I still have it a little bit) and started going after my dreams.
And no..the way I am comfortable now was not born in those moments; it took me three years to get where I am now. The three years including the moment I got alopecia till now.
Besides the fact I am now comfortable to show myself without my wig on, I am also not afraid to show the nerd side, of which I was so ashamed, anymore. Some people find it a bit weird how dedicated I am to studying, for me it is just something I love doing. What I am trying to tell you with this, I am now comfortable enough to show whom I am on the inside as well.
So, here is what alopecia thought me and why I am thankful I was chosen to undergo this journey.
· I do NOT need to fit in to the perfect picture.
· I am good enough just the way I am.
· I should be proud of every little thing I accomplish.
· Hair is important but not everything.
· I should focus on who I am mentally more than who I am physically.
· I am going after my dreams, as it is never too late to do that.
· Helping others, this blog, Instagram and being a motivational speaker is my absolute passion.
· I should do everything at my own pace.
· I should NOT hold myself back from the things that I love doing.
· People who matter will accept me for the way I am.
Here I am, wearing my wig and also going out bald. Because that is the way I feel most comfortable. I am bald and proud, on my own terms. So, be bald and proud on YOUR terms as well. If that is with a wig, bald, a hat or anything else, it is awesome, as it is YOUR way. And your way is THE way. So, don’t let anyone tell you when you accept your alopecia, because you know damn well when you did, with or without wearing a wig. Acceptance = being comfortable, as you like to be comfortable.
It was not all roses though.
I got mean comments about my hair bands etc., there were people who did not accept me without my hair, I still get rude comments behind my back. But not everyone can be nice and in general 99% is so supportive, so stop looking at that stupid 1%. Also, I still have bad days, days where I wake up and think nah this is not my day and wear my wig as I don’t feel beautiful otherwise. I still sometimes feel uncomfortable with boys I like, because I feel like they cannot like me without my hair. But without the bad days there are no good ones. Without the bad experiences we simply cannot grow and without the bad days I have experienced, I would not be where I am now. Helping others, speaking on stage and having the incredible opportunities that I have gotten.
Focus on the postive
As I just said 99% is positive. People who constantly say I am beautiful without my hair. People who support me. A random guy who walks up to me after I took my wig off just to say he thinks I am more beautiful without my wig. People who I have helped. It is not too bad if I can say so myself. Dump the people who are negative and break down your walls for the positive people.
So, don’t give up. You got this.
One last thing to the person who is reading this, I am super proud of you. Remember that.
So, happy international alopecia day loves, you deserve every bit of happiness coming your way.
And....
Happy international alopecia day to my alopecia, thank you for showing me I am good as I am and thank you for helping me with my personal development.
With love,
Anne
AlopecianGirlboss
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