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Alopecia has caused me to hold back on some things and to be honest I am really over it. I live with my alopecia; my alopecia does not live with me.
Though alopecia has given me a lot, like my passion to help others, making me more confident and giving me friends for life (and I mean you guys with that!) it held me back as well. Here are a few of those things.
1. Relationships
I want to start with saying this to the person about whom this part mostly is about, I know you follow me and I really hope you don’t read this as it will be way too embarrassing haha. Anyway, my alopecia has caused me to think that I am not able to get into a relationship, as I was (and still sometimes am) convinced that someone does not want a bald girlfriend. This led up to the point that I was so certain that my crush could not like me back, because why would he like a bald girl? This thought was absolutely ridiculous as he had known me with my hair and went through the whole hair loss process with me. It was the first person I truly liked and still is the only one I had such feelings for (the kind of crush that will always stay). When I did not have a crush on him, I felt super comfortable and confident, I did not care whether I send an ugly selfie or if he would see me with bald patches/bald, he was always supportive. But as soon as I developed a crush on him, I felt awkward and that confidence was gone. Weird right? Anyway, I was convinced he could not possibly like me, because of my baldness. Guess what ladies and gentlemen? I found out a few months ago he did like me back and when I asked him if it bothered him that I was bald he said; “No, not at all. There are many others that don’t care about that, so no need to think that way.” Alopecia kept me from something that could have been a great and loving relationship, which pisses me off. Also, I had developed a little crush on someone here in Germany (which is long gone btw haha) but it kept me from taking my wig off here, so I say no more! The right guy will accept me for me.
2. Meeting new people
So, meeting new people is not really a problem, however the fact that I constantly blur out the fact that I have alopecia is. I want, no need people to know I am bald, as I cannot fully feel myself otherwise. This probably sounds very weird to the most of you, but somehow, I have this feeling people should now, this does mean that I deter others. I also think the most interesting thing about me is my alopecia, my blog and all of you guys. I just don't want anyone to find out later on, which is a weird feeling. This can cause me to be even more awkward than I already am, when meeting someone. Therefore, this causes a weird first impression. I would like to not think about all the what ifs when meeting someone.
3. Going out as “myself”
I was so certain I needed to hide my hair loss behind hats, headbands, scarfs, without taking the time to accept myself. I felt horrible, I wanted to show everyone what was going on, but I was scared. I did not know what to do, I started to think about it a lot, which caused me to get frustrated, being unaware to know what to do next. I finally gathered the courage to take slow steps and show my hair loss. I felt incredibly relieved, the truth was out, no more hiding now. I still wore my hats, headbands and scarfs, but it did not feel like hiding anymore. Later on, I also went bald outside (HUGE step) and I could not be prouder of myself. To be honest, I really like my bald look, but lately I have been scared to go out bald. I am in a new city and that frightens me, though they have seen me without hair a couple of times. I’ve had situations that I would just sit inside for a half an hour debating whether to go out with or without my wig. I got so incredibly frustrated, threw my wig on and went outside, it made me feel horrible. I’ve been trying to get out without my wig more and I finally feel a bit more confident again.
4. Keeping me from fully living in the moment
Often, when I first got my alopecia, I was only focussed on my hair loss. This kept me from fully living and enjoying what I was experiencing, which is too bad.
- Are my bald spots showing?
- Is someone noticing?
- What if I do this and this, will it cause me more stress and will that cause more hair to fall out?
Millions and millions of thoughts went through my head, leaving me unfocussed in the end. Sleeping was difficult as I only thought of this. Luckily, this has not been a present feeling!
5. Enjoying life
Last but not least, alopecia kept me from enjoying my life. Constantly, alopecia threw sh*t in my face. Clumps of hair on my back, hair I had to remove in order for it not to look weird. Needing to get shitty injections that did not work, leaving me with a headache. Needing to take medicine that made me feel sick, without them working. Sending pictures of my hair loss to friends after crying, because I did not want to lose my hair. Dealing with stares. Constantly being on the alert for new patches. Needing to deal with stupid comments after I wore a headband to school to disguise my hair loss. I can go on and on, but you might be asleep by then. After having ENOUGH, I let it go. I let the medicine and treatments go, making me feel better physically and mentally. Not giving a sh*t about others anymore and just being myself. Opening up about my hair loss, which made people understand what was going on. This helped them knowing how to respond towards me. I stopped looking at my patches, which did once scared the living sh*t out of me, as I looked in the mirror and I was like “since when did it get so bad???”. However, not paying interest to my patches gave me a great sense of peace.
After opening all those new doors and closing the others; I felt relieved, happy and confident. It was time to go and enjoy my life as a very proud egg <3.
Dear readers, I know that there are many things holding us back, but let us close those doors and open others. Let us enjoy our life to the fullest and be proud of ourselves. Lets look in the mirror and think “I am beautiful and I am enough”. Let us be HAPPY, with our beautiful imperfections. They are what make YOU, YOU! Don’t hide, live to the fullest.
Thank you for reading xx
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