.png)
For a long time, I just wanted my hair back, but now that it is growing back... I am not so sure anymore. This may sound weird to many of you, but maybe some of you can relate.
Hi everyone, long time, no see! Haha. I have been really busy with school, I am sorry. I will try to be as active as I can be! Well, lets get into the blogpost:
Since two years, my hair has been slowly growing back. First there were a few patches of hair and my head looked like a globe haha. Right now, a lot of my “continents” have joined each other, making my small patches almost becoming one big patch. It does, however, not mean I do not have bald patches anymore, as I do. There is still quite some hair missing at the back of my head and at the sides.
I know I should be happy to see that my hair is growing back, but at the same time it makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable. After quite the struggle, I finally accepted my bald head. I am happy with it and it is a part of me. My hair loss helped me to become the person I am today for which I am very grateful. Now that it is growing back, I feel weird. Who will I be when I have hair again, will it still feel like me? I am confident without my hair and I do not know how that will change when I let my hair grow back. Will I live in the constant fear that it will fall out? Will it cause me to stress more? I mean, I don’t even know if it will stay.
I guess I am not ready for all the emotions that come with my hair. Do not get me wrong, I only feel like this in regard to my head hair, if that makes sense. But the fact that I don’t know if it will stay and that I don’t (think I will) feel like myself with my hair, is upsetting me. I am not sure if I should let it grow or shave it off. As for now, I think I will keep shaving it off, as I feel most comfortable like this. I don’t want to be happy that my hair is back, only for it to fall out again. On top of that, the fact that not all my hair has grown back makes it kind of useless to me, as I do not want “patchy hair” again, like during my hair loss process.
It even sounds weird that I am saying all of this, it kind of makes me feel ungrateful in a way… Lots of people ask me if I will let it grow and I usually do not really know what to say. I cannot explain why the growth of my hair kind of frightens me, as it does. When I look in the mirror, without having shaved my head, I don’t feel as beautiful as I do when I did shave my head. Like the image is not right. Weird, don’t you think? As that was the way I felt before, but then with regards of not having hair. How the tables have turned…lol.
The worst thing is when people get into a discussion with me, about why I should let my hair grow back. I feel like it is kind of disrespectful. I don’t appreciate comments like “but having your hair back would be nicer” and then show no respect for my own opinion. Or the “well. You have to know it for yourself” which is said with such a weird tone. Like my opinion is weird. I understand that my opinion is one you cannot really understand, but please respect it.
Let me put it this way, when first diagnosed with alopecia, I lost my identity. Then, I found it again. But what will happen to that identity when my hair is back again? It is this question that is constantly in my thoughts. I like my life now, I like the way I can take off my hair when I don’t want to wear it, I like the way I can change my hair style and I like the person I have become. I am in no way prepared nor ready for this.
I think this is another reality of alopecia. It is just flipping your life around when you least expect it. It is like a fear that does not go away. I am constantly worried that I may lose my facial hair, it drives me absolutely nuts. Now the situation with the patchy head hair is driving me nuts as well.
As you can see, alopecia can bring up different emotions, it is weird. You feel things you never thought you would. I feel like complaining about this really bad luck, and also, I feel like I am being ungrateful. That in combination with not feeling beautiful like this, is absolutely horrible. I guess I need to go figure out how to deal with this situation…life with alopecia never stops.
Challenge
Before we go, I want to tell you 1 more thing. I have a challenge with myself. I may not like the way I look when my hair is growing back, but as it is getting cold, I will be wearing my wigs anyway. This means, that I challenged myself to NOT shave my head until the 17th of November. Yes, I really chose a date haha. On the 18th of November is the finals of the #ditismbo competition and I am not planning on going there in my fancy dress with patchy hair haha! Anyway, I will keep you all updated on my hair growth process until the 17th of November!:P
With love,
Anne
AlopecianGirlboss
- Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/alopeciangirlboss/
- E-mail me for questions at alopeciangirlboss@gmail.com
- Sign up to receive E-mails when a new blogpost is posted.
- Log in to be a part of the boss community and participate in forums!
Comentarios