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Perfectionism, my strength and also my weakness. It helps me to accomplish great things, but it also holds me back, big time. After my talk with my mentor, I now know how to keep developing myself.
When I was younger, I got told that I could not do things, quite often. I was told by teachers and by kids from my class. I remember being in primary school, feeling terrible, as I was being bullied and therefore unable to find any motivation to put in the work for school. They did not think learning was one of my abilities. Kids told me “I am way smarter than you, you will not come far” and that hurt. Who knew 11-year-old kids could be that mean? I did actually, as they had never been very nice to me. Teachers who did not think I could do a certain education level, even though my test results said something different. Thanks to the faith my parents had, I was able to do it after all.
During primary school; I have been called ugly, not good enough and other things, a lot of times. This caused me to feel incredibly insecure, about my looks and my abilities. It caused me to become a perfectionist, it caused me to feel like I NEED to explain myself the whole time. That I NEED to defend myself all the time. But most of all, it caused me to feel like I NEED to prove my worth at all times.
I need to do things perfect, otherwise I am not satisfied, at all. This causes me to dig deep while searching for information, to deliver gorgeous reports and to add value. But it also causes me, to have a brain that never, ever stops processing information, to still have fear of failure and to always think, things can be better.
Sometimes it takes a little while to really acknowledge that something needs to be worked on.
I recently had a chat with my mentor at school. He told me, I was doing great at school, but do you think I really had that feeling? No, I did not. Then he asked me, do you actually find getting 8’s and 9’s special (Dutch grade system 1 – 10, 1 is bad, 5.5 is ok and 10 is the best)? And to be quite honest, I don’t. I expect those grades from myself. It is a way to prove myself. As much as I love learning and really dig deep, it is not the only reason why I study hard. Without that, how can I prove myself? But grades are by far, not the most important thing, even though I do not realise that yet. He was worried, worried I may become overworked. So was my last mentor.. and my doctor. I mean, how many signs do I need to get before I realise, that I am on thin ice? I was also talking with the “team leader” of my studies, who also asked me, for whom do you need to prove yourself? For no-one.
Not everyone is going to support you, it is sad, but it is the truth. I recently saw an old tutor of mine. When I told her I was aiming to go to a higher level of education, she asked me, are you sure you are able to do so? That brought back many, many memories. It made the need to prove myself appear again. Last week, I was talking about how I was struggling to my friends in class, when someone said “well, if you are overstrained now.. I do not want to know what will happen when you will continue studying”. That, that one stupid comment, from the most annoying person in my class, really hurt my feelings.
Sometimes, people will say or do things, that are absolutely ridiculous, but on which you have no effect, whatsoever. But the truth is, nobody knows what you are going through, only you know. So, I am going to try, to stop taking things so serious and personal, from people that are unimportant to me. It is important that you listen to yourself. If you think you can do it, you most definitely can.
Sometimes, people are going to walk out of the door. You are trying so hard to not let them pass the exit, that you hurt yourself in the process. Once, you realise that people that love you will stay, without you needing to stop them, a new door will open for you. Start focussing on the people that matter and you will see, that the sun never shined so bright.
I need to start appreciating myself. I need to start to give myself a break for once. I need to realise that not everything has to be perfect, as nothing really is anyway.
I can honestly say, that most of the time, I love not looking “perfect”. Now I just need to make sure, I also love not always being “perfect”.
· You do not need to be the best in everything.
· You do not need to get the most perfect results.
· You do not need to prove yourself for anyone.
· You should not defend yourself, when people are unwilling to understand you anyway.
· You should give yourself a break, to appreciate how far you have come.
At the end, you are going to do it for you, not for anyone else. Rico Verhoeven (Dutch kickboxer) told us; “People did not believe in me, but that was fine, all that really mattered was that I believed in myself.”
Accepting yourself is a constant thing, it is also something that is very important. It will help you grow and develop yourself, which will help you bloom into something you could have never imagined. Accepting the things you need to work on, will give you so much in return.
Sometimes, I feel like society is making you feel that needing to work on something, is the worst thing ever. That you need to be perfect in everything, have the perfect skills and traits, otherwise you are not going to make the cut. In reality, I think that is not true, everything we work through, is helping us to become the people we are today, the people we are tomorrow and the people that are going to make a difference.
Bad experiences help us with our development, I am therefore grateful for those experiences. Otherwise I would not have been the person I am today.
So, please be proud of yourself. Do not fear change, do not fear your weakness. The moment you acknowledge your weakness, you will grow and grow until you blossom.
I cannot wait until the moment I blossom; I look forward to it.
For now, lets go work on myself, to become the best version of myself. As nobody is perfect and everybody needs to work on something.
…and remember, you do not need to prove yourself to anyone. The only person you are doing this for, is yourself.
With love,
Anne
AlopecianGirlboss
Thank you for reading xx
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